What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus