The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.