I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
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[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT