My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
You Might Also Like
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Oh thanks BBC.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.