[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
United Steaks of America
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
😂😂
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Oops
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed