Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
getting corrected
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree