Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
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Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
when revenge coincides with naptime
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.