Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.