If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Not all heroes wear capes…
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Cool shirt 🙂
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.