IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.