“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
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Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are