Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I just love that new Pope smell.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.