A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
*seductively winces due to lower back pain