Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.