I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
You Might Also Like
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
handsome & gretel
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers