DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
You Might Also Like
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system