My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
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me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT