STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
You Might Also Like
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Hey I worked for it too!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
This bar smells like my childhood.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.