4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.