I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
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Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
😜
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*