Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
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fly smarter, not harder
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
More like Kate Missington.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.