Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Council: We鈥檒l pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He鈥檚 my friend.
Council: 鈥nd an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
馃槉馃
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I鈥檓 not paying you
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It鈥檇 be great to make decent money doing something I鈥檓 proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?