For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
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My patronus is a cheeseburger
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.