Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Lol #dogsoftwitter
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero