I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
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Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it