You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
He’s dead
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.