Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.