Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
You Might Also Like
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Mouse
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger