Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
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PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Effort made
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”