Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
technically true but not a great slogan
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.