Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing