If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
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I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
This probably isn’t good
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.