Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
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Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …