-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
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Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Finally, a door that understands me
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Challenge accepted.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.