Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
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If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
🤣🤣🤣
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*