Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
A friend sent me this.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I hope it’s French Onion!
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
This kid is going places
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.