1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
You Might Also Like
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
NASA has no chill
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party