a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
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My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
life finds a way
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me in tagged photos
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
X-tra spooky blend
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic