i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
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me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I think we should hear other voices.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.