Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
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I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.