Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.