If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”