DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.