The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
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I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday