I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
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SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.