“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
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Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I just ran a .003048K
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.