My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
You Might Also Like
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.