Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.