“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.