i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
synchronized noseblowing
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*